Night Train to Terror (1985)

Directed by John Carr, Jay Schlossberg-Cohen, Phillip Marshak, Tom McGowan and Gregg C. Tallas.  Written by Philip Yordan.

Plot: God and Satan are in a train car telling each other stories – it sounds like the beginning of a joke, but it’s really just the beginning of this joke of a movie


Apparently, God and Satan converse after souls die to agree on where the soul will spend eternity.  And they do so on a night train filled with 80’s dancers who aren’t following the rhythm to the music they’re dancing to.

The first story is about Harry Billings and a hospital that cuts people up while they’re still alive.  Apparently, no one goes into shock in this hospital though or passes out.  Richard Mull is assumed to rape people, there are horrid, fight scenes with horrid effects, lots and lots of boobs and a camera that darts around really fast insuring that you don’t make sense of half of what you’ve seen.  Not that you would anyway.

The second story is about Greta Connors and a group of people who play a type of Russian Roulette.  The editing is so incredibly bad, one guy is dubbed while no one else is, the “beetle” was really a wasp, the specials were grotesque, the fight scene involves an actual net, it’s fucked up, not funny and once again, boobs.


The third story is about Claire Hanson and an immortal nazi that must be stopped by a doctor pure of heart.  There’s just no point to this story at all.  God is proven to be a little evil himself.  And the death scenes are claymation.

What have we learned after watching this movie:

  1. God wears a flashy white suit while Satan dresses like a vampire.
  2. Both men rely heavily on a black man dressed like a bellhop.
  3. The poor, the sick and the children will always be God’s.  Amen.
  4. And Satan has no tears.

Our score: 28/100.  If you venture here, venture with friends and alcohol.

“Dance with me.  Dance with me.”

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