Dead Meat (2004)
We usually love zombie movies. Even cheap ones. This is not the case with Dead Meat. It’s apparently supposed to be a funny movie, but the comedy isn’t really our brand. An eye ball being sucked out of someone’s head by a vacuum cleaner is just childish. Also, the make up is horrible, it’s gory for no reason and the zombies literally only attack people one at a time. Yup.
In this movie, a group of friends in Ireland play a creepy game and then begin to disappear. It opens without credits. Just says that it’s true and that the footage hasn’t been doctored. Oh dear! We should have turned it off then. Instead, we stuck around for this unrealistic train wreck that has no motive and no point.
5 Across the Eyes (2006)
The quality of the photo above is the quality of the whole film. It’s shaky. You can’t tell what’s happening. It’s like it was shot on a cell phone, and not a good one. The acting was also bad. In general, it was a joke of a film. Don’t watch it.
In this movie, rich girl, Maya, moves into a condemned building with her boyfriend where all the other residents are about to become infected and transformed into savages. It’s a stoner movie really. Nothing happening makes any sense. It is so bad and so disturbingly nasty. And it stars Dylan Penn, as in Robin Wright and Sean Penn’s kid. Well, all we have to say is that that apple fell far from the tree and then someone kicked it another few miles or so. She’s awful.
This movie was written and directed by Marc Price for less than $100 and it looks and feels like it. As we followed new zombie, Colin, around suburbia we were supposed to become invested in him, but we did not. The direction and editing was horrible. Also, it seems to think – or at least it wants us to think – that it’s the first movie told from a zombie’s perspective. That just isn’t true. An episode of Fear Itself did it the same year and a movie called Aaah! Zombies!! did it in 2007 and was remarkable. This movie, however, is not remarkable and not worth watching through til the end.
Darkness Rising (2017)
A women returns to the house where her mother tried to kill her as a child and strange things start to happen. Yeah, like duh! The acting is bad. The directing is bad. And why was the end the beginning? It didn’t make any sense. And Bryce Johnson, who I watched in Popular (1999-2001) only seems to make horrible horror movies nowadays. I can think of 3 (Visions, Willow Creek, and this mess) off the top of my head. So, from now on, I just may have to stay away from the things he says yes to.
A stranger forces a man to reveal all his inner demons by chopping off all of his body parts. It’s as sick as it sounds. Sicker really. And it’s supposed to be funny. It isn’t. There’s not much I can say about this one. Just stay away if you want to keep your lunch down.
The Ouija Exorcism (2015)
There are about 50,000 Ouija movies in existence and this is at the bottom of the list. The acting is terrible. The directing is terrible. There’s a lot of weird shits and close ups for no reason. Dumb ass script that gets super duper religious at the end. OMG!!! This movie is just so dumb that I don’t have the time or the patience to explain all the reasons why.
Would You Rather? (2012)
Now this piece of shit is about a rich, white guy who hosts a sadistic game night to see which of his down-on-their-luck guests will go the furthest for money. It suggests that even the best people have their price, which I choose to believe is not true. DJ actually refused to watch the whole thing. I wish I had left the room with him. I instead, sat through all the torture and the bullying because I hoped there would be a point at the end. Alas, there was not. Worse yet, there was a shocking conclusion that made the movie even sicker. I can’t urge you enough to NOT see this movie. You have to be quite the sick, pessimistic person to get a kick out of what this is selling you.