Hellgate (1990)

Directed by William A. Levey.  Written by Michael O’Rourke.  Starring Ron Palillo, Abigail Wolcott and Carel Trichardt.

Plot: four friends inadvertently get involved with a re-animated corpse who seduces and kills young men

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You see, there’s this motorcycle gang that is complete hilarious.  They’re just silly, pumping their fists in the air and cheering like fools.  They do not come off as tough at all, yet somehow they kidnapped and killed Josie (Wolcott).  But her father (Trichardt) finds this magical crystal that can bring her back, so he does.  She just needs to kill young men to keep herself going.

******SPOILER ALERT******

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I suggest you actually read the spoilers because this movie is an eccentric one and you may want to know what you’re getting yourself into.  First the good news, there’s plenty of boobs and it’s a moving that’ll having you laughing so hard your drink will come out of your nose.  Although, I’m not sure that was their intention.  But they couldn’t have been taking themselves seriously, right?  I mean, we’ve seen better fake bats in a Dark Shadows rerun.  The dialogue was lousy, my god was it lousy.  The short haired girl is a lunatic that can’t act.  She’s the one that tells them the legend, but she doesn’t believe it herself.  And while other people are grappling with fear, she’s smiling like she’s in a different movie.

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To be fair to her though, there are a lot of times that people seem terrified and then the next minute they’re laughing and then the next, they’re scared again.  And this movie has the worst reaction to zombies we’ve ever seen.  What was the motive even??  And what were the rules??  This was an awful story.  And it brought up a lot of weird questions.

Why was Horshack wearing soooo much makeup?  And why was he naked?  We didn’t need to see that.  What the fuck does it matter if they have to hide out in a saloon?  Does the whiny girl have a drinking problem?  Cause it’s either that, or you die, pick one.  Why does she have Kool-Aid on her dress?  Why are the police wearing sunglasses at night and inside?  Why did this dead girl have to wait 40 years?  And why did she pick Ron Palillo of all people?

This movie made us hurt and cry.  We don’t recommend, although it is funny as hell.  So, do what you will.

My score: 37.  DJ’s score: 27.

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