Below is a list of bad movies. They weren’t good in any way, shape or form and we sincerely hope you never watch them.
CIRCUS KANE (2017)
From the man who brought us 2-Headed Shark Attack, 3-Headed Shark Attack, Shark Week and Megaconda comes this unfunny tale starring a one, Jonathan Lipnicki. And yes, they do make a reference to Jerry Maguire. Circus Kane himself quotes the infamous, “Do you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?” line right before or right after beheading someone. It’s so incredibly ridiculous. The only reason we kept watching was because we developed a theory after the first two minutes of the movie – a theory that turned out to be true. It was so predictable and unbelievably stupid. It’s not a twist when you see it coming from 5,000 miles away.
BEYOND THE WALL OF SLEEP (2006)
Starring Tom Savini and William Sanderson (who were apparently so hard up for money they were both just saying yes to anything), this movie is a take on an H.P. Lovecraft story that I’m hoping is not actually as bad as this movie suggests. It is so, so, so cheaply made. Everyone in the movie is wearing a wig and we had no idea why. Ambrosia is the evil monster. Ambrosia. Like the salad. Yes. We watched this with our friend on horror night and sad to say, it was my pick. To DJ and Jennifer, I apologize.
This movie follows five college students that find out the truth about a local legend of a boy chained to a tree. Turns out the boy isn’t a boy anymore, but a monster. The sound is bad. The acting is bad. The specials are enormously bad. The camera is shaky. Don’t do it. Please, please don’t watch this one. It’s not worth it.
THE WATERMEN (2012)
Oh, Jason Mewes, I love you, but why? Why? Six friends become stranded at sea and their rescuers wind up being their torturers. The girl’s are horrible actresses and I have no reason to believe that they all didn’t sleep with the director to get their roles. The Watermen are impervious to pain, so that sucks for anyone hitting them with a fist or a shovel, etc. etc. When it started we thought there was going to be a point to the movie, but then there just wasn’t. At all. And there’s very poor writing. One minute the head bad guy comes in and says “I thought you were gonna save some fun for me.” and then two seconds later he’s like, “We don’t got no time for fun, cut her up!” WTF?! Oh, and to prove how much of a tool the directer, Matt Lockhart really is, aside from directing this waste of a movie, he also wrote and sung the main song. Shut up!!
ED GEIN: THE BUTCHER OF PLAINFIELD (2007)
We love the stars of this movie (Kane Hodder, Michael Berryman, Priscilla Barnes), but it wasn’t enough to save it from getting a big fat goose egg. It was boring. The script was crap. And the movie kept jumping around. This is certainly NOT the way to learn about the real Ed Gein. It seems the director, Michael Feifer, either does horror movies based on real people or Christmas movies oddly enough. And I’m telling you right now, he should stick to Christmas. I’ve seen some of them (cause I’m addicted to Christmas) and they’re not bad.
Now this is some David DeCoteau bullshit, so we should have known better. The man just doesn’t make good movies. In this movie a murderous demon is summoned after 50 years and starts killing again. There’s some complicated bullshit about five people and sacrifices and masters and demons, but it never really makes sense. It takes itself way too seriously. There’s no Freddy Claws at all. It’s a mystery that we didn’t give a shit about solving. And the end is so stupid that one of the actors even mentions how unresolved everything feels, but then the credits just roll anyway.
Stay away from all of these. They’re not worth it. At all. Really and truly. We warned you.
“Fear is the place to learn.”