7 Movies Only A Fool Could Love

In our humble opinion, these movies all fail for one reason or another.

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#HORROR (2015)

This film is heavy with the stars (Chloe Sevigny, Natasha Lyonne, Taryn Manning, Timothy Hutton, Balthazar Getty, etc.) and light on the point.  It’s supposed to be a movie where teenage bullies are taught a thing or two, but it’s so bad and so fucked it teaches nothing.  It’s another IFC Midnight film we don’t like.  For some reason, IFC Midnight does NOT agree with me and DJ.  We never seem to like these movies.  And this movie is on the top of that hate list.  It made no real point about cyber bullying.  We were really disappointed in this one.

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JAKE’S CLOSET (2007)

Any child of divorce can relate to this movie about a young boy trying to deal with this subject, while also dealing with a zombie in his closet.  Yes, a zombie.  This boy’s life is so sad.  And of course, once again I say that this movie, like #Horror, has no point.  That’s the biggest problem.  We watched the whole thing waiting to get to the point of it all and then there was none.  We were so angry, SO ANGRY, at the end.  It was horrible and we wouldn’t recommend sitting through this on anyone.

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HAPPY HELL NIGHT (1992)

A crazy priest escapes from an asylum and stops at a frat house to kill some people.  A frat house where he murdered seven young people 25 years before.  He kills everyone with no real rhyme or reason and that’s not even the worst part of the movie though.  There was no innovation (he only uses a pick axe).  There were no rules.  He’s not scary.  You never have the chance to connect with any of the characters before they die.  The priest is corny – he says “no something” after every kill.  Like, “no sex” and “no TV” and “no parking”.  Also, the ending is terrible.  I was mad at myself for making us watch this.

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ALL LIGHT WILL END (2018)

A young author returns home for her brother’s graduation and finds herself haunted by the past and tormented by nightmares.  Of course, there’s a catch you see.  There’s always a catch.  For one thing, Ashley Pereira is not the best actress.  Any of the other girls in the movie should have been given the role before her.  For another thing, the motive turned out to be horrible.  There were no rules and it was unrealistic.  We would literally leave the room if someone turned this piece of crap on again.

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THE BLEEDING HOUSE (2011)

Another indie film.  You’d think we were indie haters, but I swear we aren’t.  This one is just bad.  DJ was so pissed off the entire time, I’m surprised we finished it.  It was well made and DJ thought the girl was cute, but there was, once again, no point.  In this secluded country home, a strange man – an obviously devious man – enters the home of a family – a family with obvious secrets – and begins to teach them a lesson.  But ooo, will he be taught a lesson, too?  Ah, who cares?  We didn’t.  The movie is slick and the acting is good, but it can’t make itself what it isn’t – a competent horror film.

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AS ABOVE SO BELOW (2014)

John Erick Dowdle wrote and directed this film.  He also did Devil and Quarantine so we were really excited about this one, but sadly, we were let down.  In this movie a group of people go into the catacombs in Paris to find a stone with amazing powers.  Scarlett, the head of the group, believes in this magical stone, but she doesn’t believe in the “bad part” of the catacombs.  And Benji, the cameraman, is friends with Scarlet, but everything surprises him.  He doesn’t even know that there are going to be bats and bones underground.  And he loses his shit way too quick.  The movie is also really pretentious.  Alchemy has never been so stupid.

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MUNGER ROAD (2011)

So, four teenagers decide to explore a local legend about a haunted road on the same night that a killer escapes from prison, but this movie isn’t really about hauntings or prisoners.  It’s also based on truth apparently, as there is a real Munger Road in Illinois that is said to be haunted.  It’s completely unoriginal though.  The kids all take turns wanting to leave the car and then they leave by themselves.  Like, stick together people.  That’s the only thing that can save you.  And then the end isn’t really an end.  It seriously says “To Be Continued” like it’s your favorite frickin’ show or something.  How could writer/director Nicholas Smith give us that kind of crap without knowing whether or not he had the funds to make another picture?  Because guess what, he didn’t!  And another movie was never made.

So, all these movies suck to us.  And we hope you steer clear accordingly.

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