The following movies all have star power, but we don’t know why. Seems like the stars should’ve kept their power for something a little better.
I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in This House (2016)
In this movie Ruth Wilson (don’t know why she agreed to it) comes to take care of an elderly woman and believes the house is haunted. Apparently the movie is being narrated by a dead girl like she’s reciting poetry. Nothing scary ever happens. At all. It’s pretentious and weird and we hated it.
Starring Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff (who, yes, has done better things), this movie follows a group of people stranded on a Massachusetts island. There, they are haunted by a woman in black. Again, it wasn’t scary. It was just bad and not even a so-bad-it’s-good bad. Just bad. Things were not explained. We didn’t understand and we didn’t care to.
The Lurking Fear (1994)
Famous horror icons Ashley Laurence and Jeffrey Combs star in this movie about a group of townspeople who join forces to eradicate a ghoul-infested graveyard. And we’ve met both Laurence and Combs. We know they are better than this. But this movie was god awful. The acting was ludicrous, but we think that’s just because the script was so bad. It took talented people and made them suck. Some people even seemed dubbed for some reason. Honestly, we turned it off.
Ice-Cream Man (1995)
In this “classic”, a man (Clint Howard – a fine actor) is released from an asylum and starts an ice-cream business blending human parts into his confections. It’s so incredibly terrible though. He kills dogs and little kids. David Naughton and Olivia Hussey are in it as well and we don’t know why they agreed to it. We also don’t know why Hussey is made to look like an old woman when she’s really so young and beautiful. And why is the skinny kid in the movie made to look fat? We didn’t understand a damn thing about why this has become a classic.
Shark Week (2012)
In this movie, a group of strangers are all playing some crazy survival game involving sharks for some crazy, wealthy madman (Patrick Bergin – you know the crazy husband from Sleeping with the Enemy). In the movie it seems like Bergin is channeling “The Most Interesting Man In the World”, but why did he even agree to do this? He deserves better. We deserve better. The effects were so sad. We turned this one off, too.
Nine Lives (2002)
Last, but not least comes this gem about a group of old friends who come to a secluded mansion for a birthday party and a book they find in the walls unleashes a vengeful spirit who possesses some of them so it can kill the others. Now, I am not picking on Paris Hilton at all. We actually enjoyed her in House of Wax. But this movie blows. There’s no Freddy Claws. The characters are annoying and whiny or crazy bananas. The movie put me to sleep. Like, I literally dozed off and missed a death scene. So, I can’t in good conscience suggest it for anyone else.