10 Titles NOT to Watch this Halloween

We scour Netflix, Shudder, Prime, Hulu, etc. etc. everyday to find the best and the worst horror has to offer.  Here’s some of the worst.

DARK FLOORS (2008)

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Oh Lordi, Lordi!  Finnish heavy metal band Lordi decided to make a movie and this piece of excrement was the final product.  Six people get stuck in a devilish hospital when Lordi starts axing them to death.  There’s no reason for it.  There’s no other innovation.  Who the hell does Lordi think they are?  We are so mad we watched it.  Please don’t make our mistake.

BENEATH (2007)

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Christy returns to her old neighborhood years after a horrible car accident and meets a little girl as freaky as she is.  She starts having weird visions and that’s where we lost it.  There was something about mines and monsters and her sister – who we thought was dead – really being inside the walls.  MTV Films created this lackluster effort that felt more like something LMN puts out.  Sorry to say.

AFTER EFFECT (2012)

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A group of college students unwittingly sign up for a study that turns people into zombies.  It tries to be really poignant, but it fails.  In the beginning the students are talking about stem cells and whether one life is worth one hundred.  Later though, they suggest that the same people doing the study also created AIDS.  Like, why?  Are you a conspiracy theory movie or are you trying to say something truly and deeply because we don’t feel you can do both?  We were insulted.

THE DEAD OUTSIDE (2008)

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A pandemic has swept Great Britain and two people come together to survive.  April and Daniel meet at a farmhouse and they think they’re pretty safe, but then Kate comes along.  And let’s just say that Kate doesn’t play fair.  We have to warn you that this is not a strict horror movie.  It’s a drama with a little bit of zombie-like action in it.  It’s also boring to boot.  We weren’t feeling it at all.

AIRBORNE (2012)

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In this Mark Hamill movie, passengers on a plane during a storm start disappearing.  The movie really did start off well enough.  We thought we were going to enjoy it, but then it just started shitting the bed over and over again.  It was quite ridiculous and not scary at all.  We don’t even know why it’s listed as horror.

FOREST OF THE DAMNED (2005)

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Oh Tom Savini.  You’re better than this and you know it.  The movie is basically about teenagers who get lost in a forest with sexy nymphs who kill people.  But there’s so much wrong with this movie I don’t know where to start really.  The opening titles were far too long,.  The music is obnoxious.  The direction is obnoxious.  We got tired of seeing the same shots of the tops of trees.  The acting is ridiculous, too.  And the Prophet of Doom character that’s supposed to be a creepy old man usually, wasn’t creepy or old enough to do the part justice.  And why were they running away from him?  As I said, he wasn’t creepy and he wasn’t even chasing them.  There’s plenty of nudity, I’ll give it that, but that’s it.

MORTUARY (1983)

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A slasher movie from 1983 that me and DJ don’t like?!  Yeah, it’s that bad.  Convinced that her father’s death was not an accident, a girl decides to investigate with the help of her boyfriend.  It’s just not very good is all.  It’s silly.  A waste of Bill Paxton.  Two people roll around on the floor naked for like, 30 minutes, but you see not one boob shot!  And it’s not scary.  It’s too predictable.  And oh, the ending!  Like, really?  Really?

THE BELL WITCH HAUNTING (2013)

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A family is haunted by the Bell Witch and they capture a lot of it on film.  But Brandon, the main guy, is a tool, who never listens to his parents and doesn’t seem to care at all about his sister.  Paranormal Activity was better than this bullshit and we hated those movies.  It was also really boring.  People see things (like footprints in the basement) and do nothing about it.  They don’t even tell anyone.  And to top it all off it’s “Based on True Events”.  Whatever!

THE FORGOTTEN (2014)

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Tommy is squatting in an old building when he starts hearing strange noises coming from the boarded up flat next door.  It opens solidly enough, but then it starts to go really, really slowly.  It’s not scary, it’s just terrible.  The acting was okay we suppose, but we really wish we could forget we watched it.

THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK (1972)

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This movie is a horror docudrama about the Fouke Monster, a Bigfoot type monster in Arkansas.  And it’s exactly why we don’t do docudrama.  No.  No.  No.  Once again it claims to be a true story and it’s had a number of other movies that were sequels or ripoffs and we just don’t know why.  It wasn’t good, so why try to remake it?  Ugh.  Just ugh.

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