Spliced (2002)

Directed by Gavin Wilding. Written by Ellen Cook. Starring Liane Balaban, Drew Lachey and Ron Silver.

Plot: a sleepwalker starts having nightmares about a horror movie villain.

Spliced (AKA The Wisher) is all about Mary (Balaban) who loves horror movies, loves Brad (Lachey) and unfortunately sleepwalks. She sees a psychatrist at the the school, Dr. Campbell (Silver) for this behavior. Meanwhile, her father is all mean to her for no reason. She’s bitchy herself for seemingly no reason. Not sure why Brad and the dorky guy, who obviously has a crush on her, like her. Anywho, she ends up going to see this new horror movie called “The Wisher”. Now, usually horror movies arouse her, but this one actually has her running out of the theater. But then comes the real point of the movie: she starts making wishes that come true. She wishes that her father would go away and he dies. She wishes she didn’t have to go to school anymore, and then the school burns down. She wishes one of her friends would shut up and she gets her tongue cut out. Then, Mary starts seeing the cadaverous looking “Wisher” everywhere and believes the movie is coming true in her own life.

So, nothing is really right about this movie. What’s wrong you ask? Everything. The dialogue is cheesy as hell. The pale monster is not scary, just really pale and clearly a Freddy ripoff. Speaking of Freddy, there’s no Freddy Claws. Mary is supposedly aroused by horror movies, but one little thing the tiniest bit scary happens in her real life and she loses her shit. Her school has it’s own psychiatrist on staff and it’s own Slurpee machine?? Is she a fucking Kardashian?? Never been to such a school.

******SPOILER ALERT******

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When it all finally comes out, it’s revealed that the movie isn’t a supernatural movie, but a slasher. And it’s obvious who did it. We were actually pissed off that they didn’t try harder to surprise us. But then in the last 3 minutes after the killer is killed, the movie turns supernatural again, like what? Ugh. No. Please god no. It goes against everything it already laid out. Just do not watch this.

My score: 16. DJ’s score: 23.

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