ABANDONED MINE (2013)
Alexa Vega stars in this joke of a movie that’s about a prank that goes all wrong. You get the twist of the movie pretty easily. The motive is horrible. There’s no innovation. And it didn’t even follow it’s own rules. The costume montage was ridiculous and the two boys were a lot bit racist. But I guess, who cares about something like that? And who cares if she got away with killing him? And was she possessed or was she just simply haunted by the family? Did she steal the tapes so they wouldn’t know it was her? There are serious, gaping plot holes. We are NEVER watching it again.
DEAD END ROAD (2004)
Oh, how Edgar Allan Poe would turn over in his grave! This movie tracks a killer who is apparently murdering people in Poe-like styles. And of course, the head detective’s daughter is taken next. That’s all you really need to know. That and don’t. Don’t turn on this movie. Don’t even look at the picture. And if you do, please, for the love of god, don’t finish it like we did. We should have turned it off.
Now this movie had promise. Sure, it was really, really cheap, but it was about a fucking clown. I should have been shitting my pants. Alas, I didn’t. The acting is awful. Everyone is so horrible, but if we had to pick out the worst one, it’d be Marcella Rodriguez, bless her heart. She was not made for acting. But then, the directing wasn’t made for directing. This is a basic Paranormal Activity ripoff until it becomes a clown/slasher/intruder movie. It doesn’t make any sense. It’s weird. Stay away.
DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1971)
In this “cult hit”, a newlywed couple on vacation cross paths with Countess Elizabeth Bathory and if you’re anyone who knows anything about horror you know that ain’t good news. So, me and DJ knew the basics going in, but as we were watching it, we lost all sense of what was happening. It’s obvious Stefan (the man of the couple) has a serious problem, but you don’t know what it is until he beats his wife, Valleri, almost to death. There’s an old guy in the movie that calls himself Mother. Then, Stefan has sex with Elizabeth’s aide. And this all leads – somehow – to Valleri becoming a vampire herself, sucking Stefan’s blood with Elizabeth and then Elizabeth becoming impaled and dying herself. I don’t know what I watched. I really don’t.
Bunnyman is the movie it suggests it is. A group of teenagers are chased around by – you guessed it – a man in a bunny suit. But the characters don’t make sense. They are playing pranks on each other in the beginning, but then they continue to play pranks even after one of their own is murdered. Like the whole, “guys, this isn’t funny anymore” could totally work because they’re actually trying to make it funny. The kills don’t make sense because they are literally impossible. And the dialogue was shit, too: “We’re gonna need a lot of therapy.” Really? No. We are. For having watched this.
ANGER OF THE DEAD (2015)
This Uwe Boll zombie movie is not very entertaining and the reasoning behind it is going to be quick. It’s slow, it’s predictable and the zombies aren’t always the main threat. Children are eaten, women are raped and people are beaten. It wasn’t a fun movie. At all.
SATAN’S LITTLE HELPER (2004)
Even Amanda Plummer’s acting and Katheryn Winnick’s boobs couldn’t save this trash. It’s just…no. No, no, no. The movie centers around Katheryn’s creepy, little brother who is strangely obsessed with Satan. He then becomes the accomplice to a serial killer in a Satan costume. Or is it a costume at all? We don’t know. Why? Because the movie cops out on you. Total cliffhanger. Total mess.
THE VEIL (2016)
When you take the likes of Thomas Jane, Jessica Alba, Shannon Woodward, Lily Rabe, Meegan Warner and Reid Scott, mix them together and make a movie, you think you’d get something halfway decent. In the case of The Veil, you’d be so wrong. The movie follows Rabe, who survived a mass suicide. Alba wants to take Rabe back to the site of the suicides and interview her there because Alba’s father was a cop who found the bodies and killed himself later on. So, she’s all messed up. They both are. But how much, you don’t really know until they get to the site. All Alba’s crew is like “she’s so obsessed”, but they stay anyway. And then they start dying. They take incessantly about not wanting to destroy evidence, but then they move their friend’s bodies right away. The movie is so stupid, there’s no Freddy Claws, the characters aren’t likable, the motive is stupid and there’s no rules. It was a total waste of time.
ALL HALLOW’S EVE (2007)
Harry Sparks (of porn fame) dipped his nib in horror before ever entering the world that churned out Beauty and the Beast XXX: An Erotic Tale. In this anthology, a group of friends get together to tell each other twisted stories. The writing is terrible; DJ said that a man would never seriously use the word “blouse”. The direction is terrible, too. I swear the whole thing was shot on a cell phone. And not a smart one. Steer clear.
ZOMBIE NIGHT (2013)
John Gulager (who directed Pirahna 3DD, which we loved) directed this horrible, over-the-top movie, starring Anthony Michael Hall (who we have loved as an actor). From the jump though, characters are stupid and not fun to watch. It adds nothing to the zombie genre. It’s just too basic for it’s own good. If not for Anthony Michael Hall and the little boy played by GIbson Bobby Sjobeck, it would have been a complete bust for us. As it is, we’re not recommending it.