10 Movies That Should Have Ended Before They Began

OFFSPRING (2009)

Bad. Bad. And more bad. This movie is about some fine young cannibals eating people. They wear the worst wigs though. The acting is not good. The effects are not good. And the story is not good. Jack Ketchum, who wrote the book and the movie, seems to have been a perverted little bastard. This was just hot garbage trying to shock and disturb. Child nudity and sexual acts for no reason = not cool.

DESECRATED (2015)

In this shaky camera film, a young woman (played by Haylie Duff) and her friends head to her father’s ranch for a vacantion. Then, they wind up being hunted by a delusional ex-marine. And everyone he hunts is stupid. Most of them are assholes, sluts, or slutty assholes. And yet, there are no boob shots in the entire movie. It just wasn’t good. I mean, he knocks three guys out at one point, moves them, they wake up, then he hunts them. It’s like, why not just hunt them in the first place. Stupid.

MOLD! (2012)

A low budget affair about the government trying to kill the coca plant and they kill a bunch of people instead. It’s obviously supposed to be a fun satire based on the “corrupt” war on drugs, but this is just bad. It’s really, really bad. Like, we’re surprised we got through it bad. If you can watch this, you can watch anything.

THE SILENT SCREAM (2005)

Also known as The Retreat, this film is about a group of college students who travel to an isolated island to help their professor with research. Ya know, that old chestnut. Of course, it all goes horribly as there is a serial killer on the loose. We think it was trying to be clever, but it failed. We ended up turning it off early. The dialogue was just too atrocious to sit through.

EVIDENCE (2013)

Detectives use various recorded evidence to piece together events surrounding a gas station massacre so that they can catch a killer. It’s part found footage and part present perspective. It’s different and it didn’t start out too badly, but it was predictable as all hell and the ending made a such a big deal of itself like it was The Usual Suspects or something, which IT WAS NOT. All the screaming takes away from the actual scary parts and the who and why made me want to kill myself. No. Just no.

THE SLEEPING CAR (1990)

David Naughton, Judie Aronson, Kevin McCarthy and Jeff Conaway star star in this movie which we really wanted to like. With a cast like this we thought we’d found a gem. We were wrong. In the movie, David rents a train car to live in, but then he starts seeing ghosts. It’s supposed to be funny, but they try to make every line humorous and it doesn’t work. Jeff is supposed to be a professor, which isn’t believable. Relationships seem to move way too fast. It was all horribly disappointing.

DEATHWATCH (2002)

During World War I, a group of Bristish soldiers caught in a German trench discover something even more sinister than enemy soldiers, is killing them. Once again, the cast caught our attention. Jamie Bell, Andy Serkis, Matthew Rhys and Kris Marshall lead this story, but they lead it right into the ground. Supposedly about war and evil and god, it’s all very confusing. And we hated everyone, but Shakespeare (Bell). Also, NO Freddy Claws. At all. Wasn’t worth the watch.

NOTHING BUT THE NIGHT (1973)

It opens with Christopher Lee talking to Peter Cushing because a woman died in a fiery car accident and a man was thrown off a balcony and another woman was shot in the head and an orphanage bus almost goes off the side of a cliff and. They both believe the deaths may be connected. You’ll end up rooting for the murderous prostitute if you do decide to watch because you won’t really know who else to trust. And if you don’t like watching children die, then don’t attempt it at all. At the end of this one we were just like, “what the hell did we just watch?”

THE CURSE OF DOWNER’S GROVE (2015)

The idea here is that a curse claims the life of a senior student every year and this year, Chrissie thinks she may be next. Apparently because the school is on some Native American lands. But why does Chrissie think she’s next? Who knows! And why did we finish it? That’s an even better question. Kevin Zegers plays a rapist, which I hated because I like him. All his character does is coke and steriods. All Chrissie’s brother and best friend do is smoke pot. There’s A LOT of dead dogs in one part of the movie for no real reason at all. There’s a scene after the credits that doesn’t make any sense. The movie doesn’t know if it wants to be a Lifetime drama, an angsty teen romance or a horror movie. Zero points.

SOUL SURVIVORS (2001)

The last movie I’ll mention is another one with a great cast. Eliza Dushku leads Melissa Sagemiller, Casey Affleck, Wes Bentley and Luke Wilson in this weird horror movie about a girl who starts having weird visions about her and her friends get into a car accident. We think the acting would have been better with a better script, but these guys have nothing to work with. It’s not a horror movie for one thing. It’s a weak drama. And if you’ve ever seen Carnival of Souls, the end ain’t surprising. But the movie acts like it’s such a superior film. Well, it’s wrong.