This October, as usual, we want to put up some of the best movies we’ve seen in recent days. But right now we’re going to give you eight movies that you should stay away from. Run away from. Far, far away. Because they’re weird, nonsensical and should never have been made.
Mirror Mirror (1990)
This movie about a teenage outcast that receives powers from an old mirror is weird from the jump. We basically predicted that it was just going to get weirder and we were correct. Susan (Karen Black) moves her daughter, Megan (Rainbow Harvest), into a new home where there’s an antique mirror. It kills the dog first, of course. Megan, who dresses like “Lydia Deetz” from Beetlejuice, gets made fun of all the time at school, so when she finds out her mirror can kill, she starts to feed it people. She also, at one point, like, has sex with the mirror. It’s really very gross. It also makes no sense, takes way too long to gain any traction and was unoriginal. We gave it a 10. LOL.
No Escape Room (2018)
A father and daughter, who only get one weekend a month together, check out a small town’s escape room and discover something evil inside. Although, one of the reasons this movie sucks is that it barely scratches the surface of why the place is evil. I mean, the acting was fine, but the rest was nonsense. It’s unoriginal, most of the people are unlikable and the movie NEVER explains anything. And then, of course, there’s the ending where father and daughter get stuck in some sort of escape room time loop. I’d rather shoot myself in the foot than watch this piece of crap again.
Omar Epps, Jamie Kennedy and Tom Atkins all agreed to be in this film and for the life of us, we don’t understand why. The movie is about a detective (Epps) who tries to catch a killer known only as Trick, who is terrorizing a small town. If you want to watch it, we strongly say, DO NOT. It is a waste of time. It’s also pretentious as shit. It tries to pay homage to the brilliant 1932 film Freaks by having the killer whisper “one of us”, but this movie isn’t even in the same universe as Freaks. Freaks was priceless, this is crap.
Books of Blood (2020)
This anthology was criticized heavily, but we decided to give it a go anyway only to come to the horrifying realization that the critics were right. The film was awful, boring, and pessamistic as hell. Once again though, it’s helmed by some well-known actors (Britt Robertson, Anna Friel, Paige Turco, Yul Vazquez, Cory Lee, etc.) who work their butts off to make it make sense, but it just doens’t. Parts were original, but I have to admit that we turned it off before it was over. It just wasn’t worth finishing.
Splatter University (1984)
In this unoriginal story, a patient escapes from a mental hospital and goes on a killing spree at a local college. Now, I’m not going to pretend that this storyline doesn’t piss us off from the jump. Always using the “mentally ill” to explain away murderers. But I digress. Because we can also talk about the offensive acting and the equally offensive editing. The movie jumps from scene to scene without much sense involved. Nothing about the movie resembles horror. It’s unorginial, there’s no Freddy Claws and unbelievably enough, no boob shots. We finished this movie, but we wouldn’t recommend that you do.
Carnival of Souls (1998)
Shawnee Smith and Larry Miller star in this remake of the 1962 classic that me and DJ just loved. This movie, however, abandoned all the aspects of the original that made it so good. It’s confusing. We didn’t really understand what was going on most of the time. The main actress, Bobbie Phillips, is not awesome. The rules are not awesome. And the script is not awesome. Just watch the original instead. Now that is a creepy movie.
Hellraiser: Judgment (2018)
In the second Hellraiser movie without Doug Bradley as “Pinhead”, Paul T. Taylor steps into the role and he does NOT fill his shoes. He’s awful and so is his costume. What else is wrong with this movie? Practically everything. They didn’t kill a dog, but they did harm one in a god awful way. There were boob shoots, but that was all that was good and that’s simply not enough. In the words of my brother it was a “pretentious crapfest of nothingness” with “a cesspool of wannabe messages”.
The Ouija Experiment 2: Theatre of Death (2014)
Because we gave the first Ouija Experiment a 63, we wrongly assumed that this movie might be worth watching. We quickly saw the writing on the wall however. The movie starts in the very unoriginal Ouija-gone-wrong-because-the-people-playing-with-the-Ouija-board-forget-to-say-goodbye way. Then, the ghost comes and it is horrible looking. It doesn’t seem like they spent any money on the effects. We laughed, but it was only unintentionally. I mean, the ghost ended up being stabbed to death. It wasn’t scary, there was a horrible incestuous storyline and the end SUCKED. Please take our word on this one and do not watch.