8 Scary Films That Just Aren’t That Scary

DEEP RED (1975)

We’ll start with an unpopular opinion – we can’t stand this movie. It’s about a psychic, who isn’t really all that psychic, who sees a murderer in an audience full of people and calls him out. Smart! Especially since she doesn’t know exactly who it is, she just felt something or whatever. Well, later, of course, she’s killed in her apartment and the main character, Marcus, witnesses it, but doesn’t really see who done it. He teams up with a journalist, Gianna, even though he’s a little sexist. They fight and flirt a lot, but there’s no scary to speak of. Then, Marcus is almost killed, but survives. And then the movie ends. Twice. Because the killer isn’t really the killer at all. Trust me, I can’t explain it any better than that.

CANDY CORN (2019)

The story is about a kid who is bullied and killed, then comes back to seek revenge. With a story like that and a cast with the likes of Tony Todd, Courtney Gains and P.J. Soles, we figured we might be in for a treat. A low budget treat, but a treat. Alas, we were not. Our favorite actors were believable, but the effects were garbage. And what the hell kind of a name is Jimothy? We were mad at this movie.

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999)

One of the best and most “scary” movies of the late 90’s is one of our least favorites. Just being honest. I mean, how did these people think this crap was real? Besides that, real or unreal, we wouldn’t have been out there at all, so it takes the horror bit away a little. And Heather, uh Heather! If we had been those guys out there with her, we would have killed her before the witch ever got to her. She didn’t make any sense and she was so fucking annoying. There was nothing scary about this movie except for that Heather.

ROBOT MONSTER (1953)

To tell you why this movie wasn’t scary, I’ll tell you the whole damn plot. First of all, it’s weird from the start. A robot monster comes to Earth so that it can have the planet for itself. Second of all, the alien doesn’t really look like any alien I’ve seen before. It looks like a gorilla. Third of all, the movie is a trip and the whole thing turns out to be the dream of a little boy. I mean, he dreamed that his sister was strangled by a gorilla alien. What the hell?

DOWNRANGE (2017)

Another acclaimed movie that we hated, is Downrange, in which a sniper starts shooting everyone that passes by him on an isolated road. But why is he shooting them? You never find out. Does he just sit on his perch on a desolate road waiting to shoot people? Who knows! We supposed that it’s meant to be scary because of all the intense, graphic, gory scenes, but that sort of thing doesn’t scare us. It just makes us angry. And you shoot a kid, too?! I mean, c’mon! While the effects were okay, the story was horrible and the ending where the one “survivor” girl survives the sniper only to kill herself at the end, is ridiculous.

BLOODLUST ZOMBIES (2011)

This movie was unoriginal, unrealistic and pretty much unwatchable. We love zombie movies, but this was weak. The script was weak, the story was weak and the effects were weak. It was not scary. It wasn’t even campy enough to be funny. The only reason to watch this crap is if you like making your own MST3K type skits and want to make fun of something for 76 minutes.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE PART 2 (1986)

The original Texas Chainsaw was horror/thriller and the 3rd was horror/slasher. Only the second installment is listed as horror/comedy and there’s a reason for that. It’s because it’s the most mind-numbingly stupid movies we’ve ever seen. I didn’t love the first movie, but I’d like to apologize for some of the things I said about it because I didn’t know how bad it could get. We don’t want to watch one woman get chased around a radio station for more than an hour by gross looking individuals. It’s not our idea of fun and it’s not our idea of scary either. What was the point even? We can’t believe we finished the whole thing.

WITCHES IN THE WOODS (2019)

When a movie opens with a quote, it’s never a good thing. It usually means the following movie is about to be a pretentious piece of crap that really has nothing at all to do with the quote. This movie starts with a quote about possession…sorta, and the movie is about possession…sorta. It’s about seven friends that set off for a weekend of skiing when their car breaks down and they get stuck. Then, they immediately start to turn on one another. Mostly because they’ve all been harboring secrets which eventually cause them to lose their shit and start killing each other. There’s no point to it. It’s confusing. There’s no rules, no Freddy Claws and no real scares.

“Oh, for the love!” -DJ

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