Aquaslash (2019)

Directed by Renaud Gauthier. Written by Gauthier and Philip Kalin. Starring Nicolas Fontaine, Brittany Drisdelle, Madelline Harvey, Larisa Dawn, Paul Zinno, Nick Walker, HoJo Rose, Ryan Ali and Cameron Geller.

Plot: a killer targets a group of teenagers in a water park.

The movie opens with two teenagers having sex in a water park and then being killed by an unknown assailant. Fast forward to graduation night and the graduating class plans to have a wild party at the local water park as is tradition. Josh (Fontaine) is there with his band, The Blades – which includes Chad (Geller) and Slim (Ali). Kim (Dawn), Josh’s ex, is also there with her new boyfriend, Tommy (Zinno). Of course, Josh and Kim have a complicated relationship and have sex that night when Tommy isn’t looking and someone records it, sending it to everyone at the party. This causes Tommy to beat Josh up.

There’s plenty of other complicated relationships, too, like Josh and his disappointed father, Michael (Rose); Paul (Walker), the owner of the water park and his wife Priscilla (Drisdelle), who is having an affair with Michael; and the May/December romantic affair that Paul and a student Alice (Harvey) are having. It’s all very nonsensical and doesn’t really mean anything when it comes down to the nitty gritty of why the killer is killing.

There’s also plenty of other weird shit going on. Like no one is likable because everyone is a little bitch, a whole bitch or a coke head. The movie is filmed like one big montage with a couple music videos interspliced – and they’re bad videos, too. There’s this black guy wearing a wig that makes him look like the Slim Jim guy from those weird commercials. And there’s the worst rendition of Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses at Night” that we’ve ever heard.

But since the movie is so awful, I’m going to break it down for you even further and tell you that while it is funny, it’s also so stupid, and here”s why:

******SPOILER ALERT******

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Eventually, people start dying. First, it’s Michael, but he’s only shot. It’s after that the killer puts their innovation to use. They slide blades into the water tubes making an X shape, so that it’s impossible for anyone sliding down to miss them and not get cut into pieces. Since there’s a competition the next day to see which teams can make it down the tubes the fastest, there’s a lot of people there and a lot of noise being made. So much so, that when people start being hacked to death and blood starts sliding down into the pool, the workers at the top of the slide don’t notice and just keep sending more people down.

When it all is realized and people stop dying and the blood is finally washed away the movie ends and we find out who the killer is. It’s Priscilla!!! Why? Because apparently when she was a little girl she witnessed her father die in a water park. Like, what? I mean, talk about amazing! And to top that off, there’s a mid-credits scene with a little boy emerging from the bloody water for no reason. I mean, this isn’t a damned MCU movie. Pretentious much!

Altogether, the movie was unrealistic, had no rules and no Freddy Claws. Also, DJ particularly hated the special effects. There were boob shots however, and the movie was really short, so you don’t have to put up with it all that long. Besides, it was really too stupid to straight out hate, so we’d recommend it just for shits and giggles.

My score: 28. DJ’s score: 24.

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