The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

Directed by Jonathan Liebesman. Written by Sheldon Turner and David J. Schow. Starring Jordana Brewster, Matt Bomer, Taylor Handley, Diora Baird, R. Lee Ermey, Lee Tergesen, Cyia Batten and Andrew Bryniarski as “Leatherface”.

Plot: four friends on a road trip encounter a junior Leatherface as he’s just becoming a sicko.

Even if we didn’t know just how far back “The Beginning” was going to go, we knew it was going to be Leatherface’s (Bryniarski) origin story. DJ doesn’t like origin stories much because, for one, the foundation isn’t always that interesting to him and for two, he doesn’t like being introduced to “good guys” who are going to die as fodder so the main killer can become the depraved maniac he was destined to be. So, not surprisingly, neither of us gave this movie a decent score.

It starts in Texas where little Leatherface is born, but his birth mother dies having him. She’s at work at the time – in the slaughterhouse – so her boss simply throws the baby in a dumpster to get rid of him. The Hewitt family finds the baby and the matriarch names him Thomas and raises him as her own. They never really go into much after that, but we assume since he grew up with the Hewitt bunch, he had no chance not to turn into a psychopath. As an adult, he’s working at the same slaughterhouse his real mother worked at, under the same supervisor and then they decide to shut it all down. Thomas doesn’t like that, so he won’t leave. The supervisor tries to make him and he kills the guy, grabbing a chainsaw he sees on his way out and Leatherface is born.

Right after this happens, a group of four young and beautiful friends (Brewster, Bomer, Handley, Baird) are traveling through Texas when they run into some bikers at a diner. The female biker, Alex (Batten), follows them as they leave and even draws a gun on them. But the real threat isn’t her, it’s Charlie Hewitt (Ermey), who gets the whole movie really rolling, as he kills Alex, scares the shit out of the main four then delivers them all to Leatherface.

Now, let’s get the pleasurable things out of the way first since there aren’t that many. Besides giving the movie a point here and there in different categories, we really only fully enjoyed the cast and the special effects. The look of both was very satisfying. There was so much more we didn’t like though. We found the film to be very unrealistic. If someone gets their legs cut off by a chainsaw, they’re probably passing out almost directly and likely dying without immediate medical care. Also, bikers travel in packs. That’s like, one of the positive things about being in a gang, you don’t usually travel alone. There’s loyalty, ya know, so you don’t even up dead at the hands of a wannabe sheriff. Also, the rules suck, specifically because there are no rules. The bad guys win. Worse than that, they don’t even know that they’re bad guys and they think everyone else is wrong. It’s cartoonish really.

Overall, the movie is too gritty, too senseless and too abrasive. Ermey’s character curses a lot. Like too much. Like, I swear, but shit, he swears ALL THE TIME. And for no good reason. There’s not even any boob shots anywhere to alleviate some of the dread. Honestly, the most enjoyable aspect of the film, no matter what gender you subscribe to, is Jordana Brewster running around in that highly agreeable outfit. Still, we have no desire to watch this movie ever again.

My score: 19. DJ’s score: 26.

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