247 Degrees Fahrenheit (2011)

Directed by Levan Bakhia and Beqa Jguburia. Written by Bakhia and Lloyd S. Wagner. Starring Scout Taylor-Compton, Travis Van Winkle, Christina Ulloa, Michael Copon and Tyler Mane.

Plot: four friends travel to a remote lakeside cabin with a really strange outdoor sauna room that three of them become trapped in.

“Based on True Events” always scares me and DJ.  After disliking the first 10,000 true events, we’re a little gun shy when we see that pop onto the screen.  Still, we go in hoping.  Because that’s what horror movie lovers do.  We hope.  We hope we’ll be scared.  We hope for cool death scenes.  We hope that the actors can pull off realistic reactions to dead bodies.  In this film, our hopes were dashed.  

DJ has a really hard time even considering this a horror movie.  It’s hard to even call it a thriller because none of the tension is actually all that tense.  In the movie, Jenna (Taylor-Compton), her best friend, Renee (Ulloa), Renee’s boyfriend, Michael (Copon) and Michael’s friend, Ian (Winkle), go to a cabin owned by Ian’s uncle, Wade (Mane). Before Wade leaves for work, he gives Michael some marijuana. Michael gets ridiculous and attempts to sleep with Renee, but she refuses because of his ridiculous behavior. So, he leaves and the other three enter the sauna Wade built.

Honestly, once they realize they are stuck, it becomes annoying quite fast. We felt really bad for Ian though as both Jenna and Renee scream and cry at him to fix things. But he can’t because he’s not a miracle worker. So, they are trapped, they are hot and they are screaming at Ian to solve the crisis all by his lonesome. The one piece of advice he gives them though, is not to touch the temperature controller as he believes it will make the heat worse. What do they do though? They break the damn controller. And what happens? The temperature spikes. Geez Louise are these chicks stupid.

After watching the three melt for an hour, one of them finally dies in the dumbest way. They don’t listen to each other at all, so there’s no Freddy Claws. It’s a movie all about girls trapped in a sauna and there’s no boob shots. The end sucks, too. One of them fake cries in the worst way. Not a very good actor. We were pissed off having wasted our time watching it. It was well made though and Travis was a dear.  But that’s all the good there was really.

Our score: 27.

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