Reader Beware, you’re in for a … Disappointment??

The following list is comprised of 10 movies that DJ and I couldn’t get through for one reason or another.  I promise you that we rarely turn off movies, so this is bad.  I’ll try to explain why they were turned off the best way that I can.

Extinction: The G.M.O. Chronicles (2011)

This German-made, English-language movie is listed as drama/horror/sci-fi on IMDB and I suppose we should have listened more to the drama part of it.  It is extremely boring.  It’s not really a horror movie at all.  It’s not really a good drama either.  It follows a group of people trying to survive a pandemic that turns the infected into zombies. The characters are annoying though, there are relationships and other strange plotlines that are never fully realized, the zombies are highly skilled acrobats for no reason and the story is very, very weak if you’d call it a story at all. After a whole hour we still weren’t invested in anyone on screen or anything going on.  So, we turned it off.

Trapped Ashes (2006)

For an anthology partially directed by the likes of Sean S. Cunningham and Joe Dante, this was a disgrace. Not sure how the likes of John Saxon, Henry Gibson, Tahmoh Penikett, Dick Miller and Luke Macfarlane got roped into this mess. How you can mix horror and boobs and come up with this shit is beyond us?  It is simply one of the worst anthologies we’ve ever turned on.  Everything is about sex and not in a good way.  It was weird for the sake of weird. DJ actually liked one of the shorts, but not enough to keep watching the movie.  Me, I was just disgusted the whole time.  There’s fake boobs that eat people, a ghost that wants sex and a fetus forced to grow in the womb along side a tapeworm. My god it’s so gross.

Wages of Sin (2006)

So, this girl inherits a house after her birth mother dies.  Then she takes her friends with her to look at it. Or at least we think that’s what happens.  We didn’t get too far into it.  The acting is pretty decent for a low budget movie, but the picture itself was shaking.  It literally looked like it was vibrating.  It made you feel like you were vibrating.  We turned it off because it was giving us headaches.  

Fever Night (2009)

This was horrible.  It’s written, directed, produced, edited and more, by Jordan Harris and Andrew Schrader, who should be ashamed. First of all, there is a warning at the beginning of the movie.  Literally, a warning about how watching the movie could be dangerous.  Yes, it was dangerous.  Because it sucked so bad.  We couldn’t even laugh about it, it was that bad. There was Satanism, inbreeding and a troubling forest, and it all sucked. Maybe the worst movie on this list.

The Legend of Bloody Jack (2007)

Once you turn this on, if you turn this on, you’ll know why we turned it off.  It was made for $1, we’re pretty sure.  We actually made it through a good portion of the film though because we were having fun tearing it apart.  It’s about a killer lumberjack, brought back by a moron relative who is then killed by the very lumberjack he resurrected. After that, the lumberjack starts murdering a group of teenagers staying in a nearby cabin. The plot says something about Jack the Ripper, but the movie never goes into that. At least not that we saw. The soundtrack is terrible, the killer is not scary, it is overly dramatic and poorly written.  There were boob shots, but we’re not sure you will want to see all of them.  We turned it off when we checked the clock and realized we still had 30 minutes to go.  

Zombie Massacre (AKA Apocalypse Z) (2013)

This is a horror movie with an action movie formula.  It is directed by, written by and produced by Luca Boni and Marco Ristori, who clearly believe they are more talented than they are. The story follows a group of mercenaries that are sent to cover up a government accident which turned people into zombies.  It doesn’t go well, obviously. It was a horrible script and it was horribly acted.  The things that come out of these people’s mouths is hilarious.  One big thing was that all the United States people were clearly not from the United States.  While filmed in Italy apparently, the actors came from Italy, Canada and Germany. And they didn’t even attempt to cover up their accents.  We turned it off after 30 minutes.

Aberration (1997)

Apparently there are killer lizards in this movie and perhaps one day we will give this movie another shot.  We really only turned it off because we were tired of waiting for something to actually happen and we had other movies waiting in the wings.  I mean, it is slow.  So slow. And we did not like the main girl who takes up 90% of the screen time talking to her cat.  Of course the cat dies, as well as a neighbor’s dog. Ugh. We turned if off after 45 minutes or so.

Ghost Game (2004)

This is listed as comedy/horror, but it is not comedic nor horrific.  There’s just so much wrong with the movie.  There’s a closeted guy that runs around calling everyone else gay and that’s not funny.  And why does he want to show everyone else his balls?  Eww.  Also, you can’t simply put a braid in someone’s hair, tell us she loves Stevie Nicks and make us accept that she’s from the 70’s.  She wasn’t even wearing a 70’s wardrobe.  And can we talk about the astrophysicist? How is that guy an astrophysicist?  And even if he is, that shouldn’t automatically make him an expert in Wicca and Chinese symbols.  I mean, Jesus Christ! Lastly, we are not sticklers for pointing out goofs in movies, but El Nino is NOT most harsh on the West Coast.  If you’re going to say things, do your fucking research!  

The Lost Tribe (2009)

This is a knock-off of Predator.  Every single thing about it is a Predator rip off.  We were very disappointed in Lance Henriksen. He isn’t always in the most meaningful movies, but this was sad. A group of people crash thier boat and manage to make it to an island. The island is overrun by invisible humanoids though, and the castaways start getting killed. DJ made us turn this one off because, as a good fan of Predator, he was so angry he couldn’t watch the entire thing.

Attack of the Puppet People (1958)

This was not a bad movie.  It just wasn’t a horror movie.  It was more sci-fi I suppose.  But it also took itself way too seriously.  The story is about an unusual man who runs a doll manufacturing company. Thing is, he’s secretly turning anyone who threatens to leave him into one of the dolls he keeps in his office. He has a machine that can shrink people down to doll size. Then, he makes his dolls do things for him, like act out plays. I guess at one time, this was frightening as hell, but these days it just doesn’t work.  


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