Directed by the infamous Uwe Boll. Written by Elan Mastai, Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer. Starring Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff.
Plot: based on the video game of the same name, a paranormal investigator (Slater) who left the 713 (a group of paranormal agents/soldiers) because he was tired of “playing by their rules”, joins forces with an archaeologist and curator (Reid), who also happens to be his ex-girlfriend, after a mysterious box is opened by some greedy assholes and all hell breaks loose
Do you see this? They give Tara Reid a gun. And they make her use all these big words you know she doesn’t understand and doesn’t use in real life. Really, being anything but a stripper is a little bit of a stretch for her. She’s just the worst actress in the world. I’m not just gonna pick on her though. I love Christian Slater. Pump Up the Volume has always been one of my faves, but this is no rebellion and it doesn’t make him look cool. Instead, they have him kicking people like he’s some kind of crazy ninja. It’s sad. And as a director Uwe Boll is a little too predictable. Apparently he’s very well known for using an obscene amount of flashbacks and this movie is no different.
I suppose because they want to pack the same punch the video game has they chocked the movie full of CGI creatures, but they left out anything resembling character development, story, continuity, realism or a set of concrete rules/mythos. We actually have no idea what the point of the story was other than a battle of good vs. evil. And isn’t that the plot of most horror movies? For a supposed budget of $20.000.000 it should not have been this bad.
With an ending that doesn’t satisfy and a soundtrack that sucked as well, the only highlight of the movie is that the Freddy Claws wasn’t all that bad and some of the creatures they spent all that money on actually looked pretty good. So, out of 100 we give it a 10.
“If they disrupt electricity, how come my flashlight still works?”
I suppose I could list my favorite movies here, but instead I'll give you a strange glimpse into what makes me TaraRomero.
1. I met George Romero. He was the kindest and sweetest man. He talked to me for longer than he should have with the line getting longer. He also held my hand. And when he noticed the ladybug I have tattooed on my wrist, he said he liked it and asked me it's name. Till then, it had not had a name. Now, I call him George.
2. I love stickers. All stickers. I just adore them. I even ask for stickers for Christmas! As a matter of fact, the birthday that just past, every member of my immediate family gave me sticker packs as gifts. Affordable and extremely appreciated.
3. I have never put much stock in astrology or horoscopes, but I LOVE the magic of the MBTI. Omg. I am an INFP and it actually sounds just like me. Introverted mostly. Creative always. Heart before head and not the most logical. Totally me! For better or worse.
4. It's no surprise I count horror so high up on the list of things that make me, me. However, it's so within my soul that I was part of the Horror Club in college. Interesting bunch. And even took a Horror Lit class as an elective. I got an A.
5. Coffee always makes me happy. Always. I'm particularly fond of caramel macchiatos. But I'll drink black coffee if it's the only thing available.
6. I hate shock for the sake of shock and endings that depress me. I always mention the movies Within (2016) and the Eli Roth produced, written and starred in, Aftershock (2012), as proof of this distate I have. I abhor the idea that just because I like horror, some people think I'd actually praise a movie that lets you think the "Final Girl" just made it through the night, only to slap her in the face with a tsunami.
7. We are big time animal people. I mean, if I could, I'd have an elephant, a bear, a zebra, a penguin, an otter and a meerkat, living with me. Seriously though. We have 2 dogs right now and 2 cats. Both cats we picked up when they each came to our front door hungry. And both dogs we got from 2 different sets of neighbors. Both who, unfortunately, don't know how to care for pets long-term. But they're happy and healthy now!!
8. Revisiting my love of horror, one of the above cats, my cat, is a little black guy named Church. Because Pet Sematary. His middle name is even Pascow. To give credit where credit's due, the name was DJ's idea. But he loves horror too!
9. I'm big into art. Along with movie posters and an Anne Frank quote, I have some actual paintings on my wall. I really think Dali paints beautifully when he wants to. And if I don't get to see Michaelangelo's Pieta in person some day, I will be very disappointed.
10. Lastly, I find Emily Dickinson's poetry intriguing. I took an elective course about her as well. But do you know I injected horror even there? I was given a poem to dissect and I picked one on death, of course. Then, I researched old "Death Photos" and even printed out copies for everyone in the class. They were so interested in looking at them that it stopped them from all looking at me, and I was able to deal quite well with my stage fright. Haha
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