The following movies received very low scores from us and we DO NOT recommend them at all. And of course, I’ll tell you why.
- GRIM REAPER (2007)
In this remarkably dull movie, a stripper is hit by a cab and then stalked by death. It’s not like you don’t see everything that happens coming from a mile away. It’s that the real problem is the lack of boobs. Seriously, there are no boobs. A whole movie about a stripper and there’s no boobs. So, I’m bored and there’s no boobs…. BLASPHEMY!!
Skip it. Next!
2. NIGHTMARE ALLEY (2010)
This is the dumbest, cheapest rip-off we’ve ever seen. Perhaps trying to be funny and spoofy, the writers/directors Laurence Holloway and Scarlet Fry, rip off everything from Tales from the Crypt to Jay and Silent Bob. Worst yet, I think they tried to throw in some Grindhouse, but no, just no. Nothing in this movie is successful.
We didn’t actually finish this one. One of the few movies in the world we haven’t completed once started. We recommend you don’t even bother pressing play.
3. PARANORMAL ASYLUM: THE REVENGE OF TYPHOID MARY
Directed by a man literally named Nimrod, we were actually hopeful when this one started playing. It’s about 2 guys making a documentary about an abandoned asylum (which is one of DJ and my’s favorite genres) who run afoul of a not-that-bad-looking Typhoid Mary (she does only have make up on her face though and not the rest of her).
We were interested in the story. We really were. But then the sound started going in and out. The main guys, who chose not to use their real accents, had their real accents slip out occasionally. The acting is pretty bad. One guy flies off the handle a little too quickly. And the end, dear God the end…. well, it was horrid.
4. THE PROPHECY
Now for the opinion I’m sure will be the most unpopular, I hated this movie. I was actually so stoked to see it. I mean, Christopher Walken, Elias Koteas, Eric Stoltz, Viggo Mortensen…. that is a lot of excellent man meat. And although I consider myself agnostic, I really enjoy a good religious war, horror movie (like The Stand or Legion, for example), but this one left me wanting.
I was bored. So bored. And Christopher Walken’s jet black hair was all I could look at. So distracting! I also didn’t care about anyone. Not even the little girl. Maybe if you’ll watch it, you’ll care. Maybe it’s one of your favorites. I’m sure it has to be someone’s. But I can tell you right now, I’m not watching the sequels unless Eric Stoltz comes over and asks me to himself.
5. RED WATER (2003)
How can a movie about a shark living in a Louisiana River chasing Lou Diamond Phillips, Kristy Swanson and Coolio be bad? Ahahaha.
This one actually made us angry. It’s so damn cheesy. And a lot of the movie looks like it was filmed to be a commercial for Sandals Resorts. No one was likable, not even our fave, LDP. And for some reason, the writers tried to make up their own Southern Slang rather than using phrases people actually say.
If you’re Southern, I would really steer clear of this one. It’s just terrible.