Directed by Gavin Wilding. Written by Ellen Cook. Starring Liane Balaban, Drew Lachey and Ron Silver.
Plot: a sleepwalker starts having nightmares about a horror movie villain.
Spliced (AKA The Wisher) is all about Mary (Balaban) who loves horror movies, loves Brad (Lachey) and unfortunately sleepwalks. She sees a psychatrist at the the school, Dr. Campbell (Silver) for this behavior. Meanwhile, her father is all mean to her for no reason. She’s bitchy herself for seemingly no reason. Not sure why Brad and the dorky guy, who obviously has a crush on her, like her. Anywho, she ends up going to see this new horror movie called “The Wisher”. Now, usually horror movies arouse her, but this one actually has her running out of the theater. But then comes the real point of the movie: she starts making wishes that come true. She wishes that her father would go away and he dies. She wishes she didn’t have to go to school anymore, and then the school burns down. She wishes one of her friends would shut up and she gets her tongue cut out. Then, Mary starts seeing the cadaverous looking “Wisher” everywhere and believes the movie is coming true in her own life.
So, nothing is really right about this movie. What’s wrong you ask? Everything. The dialogue is cheesy as hell. The pale monster is not scary, just really pale and clearly a Freddy ripoff. Speaking of Freddy, there’s no Freddy Claws. Mary is supposedly aroused by horror movies, but one little thing the tiniest bit scary happens in her real life and she loses her shit. Her school has it’s own psychiatrist on staff and it’s own Slurpee machine?? Is she a fucking Kardashian?? Never been to such a school.
When it all finally comes out, it’s revealed that the movie isn’t a supernatural movie, but a slasher. And it’s obvious who did it. We were actually pissed off that they didn’t try harder to surprise us. But then in the last 3 minutes after the killer is killed, the movie turns supernatural again, like what? Ugh. No. Please god no. It goes against everything it already laid out. Just do not watch this.
I suppose I could list my favorite movies here, but instead I'll give you a strange glimpse into what makes me TaraRomero.
1. I met George Romero. He was the kindest and sweetest man. He talked to me for longer than he should have with the line getting longer. He also held my hand. And when he noticed the ladybug I have tattooed on my wrist, he said he liked it and asked me it's name. Till then, it had not had a name. Now, I call him George.
2. I love stickers. All stickers. I just adore them. I even ask for stickers for Christmas! As a matter of fact, the birthday that just past, every member of my immediate family gave me sticker packs as gifts. Affordable and extremely appreciated.
3. I have never put much stock in astrology or horoscopes, but I LOVE the magic of the MBTI. Omg. I am an INFP and it actually sounds just like me. Introverted mostly. Creative always. Heart before head and not the most logical. Totally me! For better or worse.
4. It's no surprise I count horror so high up on the list of things that make me, me. However, it's so within my soul that I was part of the Horror Club in college. Interesting bunch. And even took a Horror Lit class as an elective. I got an A.
5. Coffee always makes me happy. Always. I'm particularly fond of caramel macchiatos. But I'll drink black coffee if it's the only thing available.
6. I hate shock for the sake of shock and endings that depress me. I always mention the movies Within (2016) and the Eli Roth produced, written and starred in, Aftershock (2012), as proof of this distate I have. I abhor the idea that just because I like horror, some people think I'd actually praise a movie that lets you think the "Final Girl" just made it through the night, only to slap her in the face with a tsunami.
7. We are big time animal people. I mean, if I could, I'd have an elephant, a bear, a zebra, a penguin, an otter and a meerkat, living with me. Seriously though. We have 2 dogs right now and 2 cats. Both cats we picked up when they each came to our front door hungry. And both dogs we got from 2 different sets of neighbors. Both who, unfortunately, don't know how to care for pets long-term. But they're happy and healthy now!!
8. Revisiting my love of horror, one of the above cats, my cat, is a little black guy named Church. Because Pet Sematary. His middle name is even Pascow. To give credit where credit's due, the name was DJ's idea. But he loves horror too!
9. I'm big into art. Along with movie posters and an Anne Frank quote, I have some actual paintings on my wall. I really think Dali paints beautifully when he wants to. And if I don't get to see Michaelangelo's Pieta in person some day, I will be very disappointed.
10. Lastly, I find Emily Dickinson's poetry intriguing. I took an elective course about her as well. But do you know I injected horror even there? I was given a poem to dissect and I picked one on death, of course. Then, I researched old "Death Photos" and even printed out copies for everyone in the class. They were so interested in looking at them that it stopped them from all looking at me, and I was able to deal quite well with my stage fright. Haha
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