For Halloween, the month of October will be devoted to movies at least one of us recommends. So, before we get to that, here are a series of horrible movies we’re sorry we watched.
1. Nazi’s At the Center of Earth (2012)
Dominique Swain and Jake Busey star in this outlandish movie about, well, you guessed it, nazi’s at the center of the earth. We really only turned it on because it sounded so crazy and we were having a little party and thought it’d be fun. It was, but only to laugh at. At one point there’s a Hitler robot with Go Go Gadget arms, clomping around trying to kill the good guys. Whose idea was this movie? We don’t know. We just don’t think you should watch it.
2. Tonight She Comes (2016)
This weird ass movie is NOT what it says it is. The summary on Google and IMDB reads “After a girl goes missing, two of her friends and a mysterious set of strangers find themselves drawn to the cabin in the woods where she disappeared.” But that’s totally wrong. For one thing, the friends aren’t even sure the other girl is missing. And one of the strangers is a mailman who comes to drop off a package. He isn’t drawn there by anything. Then, there’s a hick family and it’s all supposed to be really funny, but it isn’t. It was disgusting. And DJ’s pretty sure the writer/director Matt Stuertz has some sort of problem with women. Don’t watch it unless you want to see people drinking menstrual “pulp”.
3. The ABC’s of Death (2012)
Some die hard horror fans like this disappointing film, but not us. We’ll give it some points for a really good “D is for Dogfight” short. It’s really the way all short movies should be made and if the whole movie was made up of them, it would have been really good. Sadly though it was made up of “L is for Libido”, which was just morally reprehensible and “P is for Pressure”, which is just a reason to kill an animal. We stopped it after that because I refused to go on.
4. Spookies (1986)
A strange blue animal-like man with a hook kills a little boy. A stranger man named Kreon, wants to sacrifice a small party of people to wake up “his queen” who actually wants nothing to do with him. The poor man’s Linda Blair knows all about a weird Ouija board they find out of nowhere. Farting zombies attack and kill the party with wine. Then other monsters come and kill things and people. And the people start fighting between each other. If you think you can get a story out of this, go for it, but we can not recommend this movie and all of it’s weirdness.
5. Tourist Trap (1979)
In this weird movie, a group of friends break down on the road and wind up stranded at a nut job’s museum. There are mannequins that move and a telekinetic man for no reason who is really invincible. We really can’t explain anymore, but just don’t watch it. It’s not worth the time spent.
6. Galaxy of Terror (1981)
So, one spaceship is sent to rescue another spaceship and it crash lands and realizes that something brought them down to feed on their fears and kill them. Sounds like a normal enough horror movie, but it’s not because everyone in the movie is crazy in some way. There’s a lot wrong with this movie. A lot of weird shit. But it was the giant maggot thing that done me in. I almost threw up when it attacked that women and stripped her of her clothes. And even though it was a boob shot, DJ says it was the most uncomfortable boob shot ever in all the boob shots he’s ever seen. If you have a strong stomach, you can try to watch it, but otherwise, take our advice and leave it alone.
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