Occasionally, a movie is so terrible that even we can’t watch it – at least not for a second time. We also don’t feel like going through the same rating rigmarole when we know the movie doesn’t stand a chance of getting anything higher than a 10. So, every now and again I’ll tell you about some movies we just hated and warn you to stay far, far away.
Parents (1989)
Not horror, just horrid. It’s about a little boy who’s afraid of his own parents because they are cannibals. I don’t recall ever seeing such a dumb piece of crap as this. The little boy’s a whack job, too, in his own right. We just don’t understand the point and don’t recommend it.
2. Pig Hunt (2008)
This is another supposedly dark humor, horror film that doesn’t float our boat. John and his friends go on a hunting trip and they’re kinda racist. So, you’re rooting for the boar really and unfortunately, it doesn’t win and the movie sucks. What’s it trying to tell us? And why end the movie with a quote from Animal Farm? Are they really trying to align themselves with Orwell?
3. The Remains (2016)
The trailer looked good. The picture above doesn’t look so bad either, but looks can be deceiving. A family (led by Todd Lowe, who was on Gilmore Girls and really, very good) moves into an old house and discovers a chest in the attic that’s haunted. But it’s terrible. There’s no rules, no originality, no motive and a very ridiculous script. It’s so unintentionally funny that it would have gotten a few points, but nothing above a 10 to be sure.
4. The Slaughter (2006)
Another one we hate was this naked, booby ritual movie where 6 college students cleaning up an abandoned house wake an ancient demon. The first hour is boring as hell and then the last bit turns into a really sorry version of Evil Dead with zombies and bad jokes. What the hell were they going for? We have no idea.
5. Frankenhooker (1990)
We didn’t expect a world class gem here, but we were hoping for a bit of campy fun. Instead we got this festering turd of a movie that I’m sorry we watched at all. After his girlfriend is killed in a freak lawnmower accident, a man sets out to “recreate” her using the body parts of hookers. And you get what you ask for I suppose.
6. Chillerama (2011)
Honestly, I have to admit that we didn’t even finish watching this movie. It is gross, disrespectful and quite challenging to enjoy unless you like bathroom humor and jokes about giant sperm. There is one story called the Diary of Anne Frankenstein. That’s not okay. It was as if a 13-year-old boy with neglectful parents made this. DJ was not pleased. He’s actually the one who turned it off.
I suppose I could list my favorite movies here, but instead I'll give you a strange glimpse into what makes me TaraRomero.
1. I met George Romero. He was the kindest and sweetest man. He talked to me for longer than he should have with the line getting longer. He also held my hand. And when he noticed the ladybug I have tattooed on my wrist, he said he liked it and asked me it's name. Till then, it had not had a name. Now, I call him George.
2. I love stickers. All stickers. I just adore them. I even ask for stickers for Christmas! As a matter of fact, the birthday that just past, every member of my immediate family gave me sticker packs as gifts. Affordable and extremely appreciated.
3. I have never put much stock in astrology or horoscopes, but I LOVE the magic of the MBTI. Omg. I am an INFP and it actually sounds just like me. Introverted mostly. Creative always. Heart before head and not the most logical. Totally me! For better or worse.
4. It's no surprise I count horror so high up on the list of things that make me, me. However, it's so within my soul that I was part of the Horror Club in college. Interesting bunch. And even took a Horror Lit class as an elective. I got an A.
5. Coffee always makes me happy. Always. I'm particularly fond of caramel macchiatos. But I'll drink black coffee if it's the only thing available.
6. I hate shock for the sake of shock and endings that depress me. I always mention the movies Within (2016) and the Eli Roth produced, written and starred in, Aftershock (2012), as proof of this distate I have. I abhor the idea that just because I like horror, some people think I'd actually praise a movie that lets you think the "Final Girl" just made it through the night, only to slap her in the face with a tsunami.
7. We are big time animal people. I mean, if I could, I'd have an elephant, a bear, a zebra, a penguin, an otter and a meerkat, living with me. Seriously though. We have 2 dogs right now and 2 cats. Both cats we picked up when they each came to our front door hungry. And both dogs we got from 2 different sets of neighbors. Both who, unfortunately, don't know how to care for pets long-term. But they're happy and healthy now!!
8. Revisiting my love of horror, one of the above cats, my cat, is a little black guy named Church. Because Pet Sematary. His middle name is even Pascow. To give credit where credit's due, the name was DJ's idea. But he loves horror too!
9. I'm big into art. Along with movie posters and an Anne Frank quote, I have some actual paintings on my wall. I really think Dali paints beautifully when he wants to. And if I don't get to see Michaelangelo's Pieta in person some day, I will be very disappointed.
10. Lastly, I find Emily Dickinson's poetry intriguing. I took an elective course about her as well. But do you know I injected horror even there? I was given a poem to dissect and I picked one on death, of course. Then, I researched old "Death Photos" and even printed out copies for everyone in the class. They were so interested in looking at them that it stopped them from all looking at me, and I was able to deal quite well with my stage fright. Haha
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