Black Christmas (2019)

Directed by Sophia Takal. Written by Takal and April Wolfe. Starring Imogen Poots, Brittany O’Grady, Lily Donoghue, Aleyse Shannon, Caleb Eberhardt, Simon Mead, Ryan McIntyre and Cary Elwes.

Plot: a group of sorority sisters are preyed upon by an unknown assailant at Christmas time.

They say this is a loosely made remake, but even that is too generous. This isn’t even a remake at all. The only similarities are that it’s a sorority and people are killed. But let’s start at the beginning shall we.

While walking home alone, a member of the sorority Mu Kappa Epsilon, is attacked by a masked man and killed with an ice pick. Her fellow sisters are having their own, slightly less dire issues. Kris (Shannon) is trying to get Professor Gelson (Elwes) fired because, as a white man of privelege, he refuses to teach books written by female authors or authors of color. And MKE sister, Riley (Poots), is trying to get over a rape that happened three years ago. The guy who raped her is, of course, a frat boy at Alpha Kappa Omega. His name is Brian Huntley (McIntyre) and although she accuses him, she is not believed by anyone but a few of her “sisters” and Brian is never charged. So, Riley decides to get back at him this Christmas by singing a song with her sisters at the school’s talent show about her assault. She even names him. It’s a really weak part of the movie actually and not very funny at all.

A few predictable kills later and Riley’s the only one that seems to care that girls are missing. And now I’m going to spoil it for you because its’ not rewatchable at all and I don’t want you to have to watch it even once. DJ didn’t watch it with me and I’m completely jealous of him.

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The director, Takal, said she wanted to make a feminist movie. That she did. However, she over did it. It was way too in-your-face with men suck and women rule. This movie shoved ALL men suck down your throat. And I hate to rain on the parade of my fellow sisters, but not ALL men suck. It’s just the strange, bullies in this movie that suck. But I don’t like most of the girls in this movie either. They are also lousy people who make poor decisions. But let me tell you how it ended.

Turns out that the killer is more than one guy; it’s the whole AKO fraternity. It turns out also to be supernatural because the guys have gotten their power from the bust of the fraternity’s founder. Professor Gelson is in on it, too, of course, and all the men are going after women who “don’t know their place anymore”. Eww.

The motive is awful, the innovation is weak, the rules were ridiculous and the script was horrible. It was realistic enough in ways, but none of those ways were good ones. And just fuck the story altogether. It was ineffective and stale.

My score: 22.

“We will never be broken!”

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