The following movies all have star power, but we don’t know why. Seems like the stars should’ve kept their power for something a little better.
I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in This House (2016)
In this movie Ruth Wilson (don’t know why she agreed to it) comes to take care of an elderly woman and believes the house is haunted. Apparently the movie is being narrated by a dead girl like she’s reciting poetry. Nothing scary ever happens. At all. It’s pretentious and weird and we hated it.
Witchery (1988)
Starring Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff (who, yes, has done better things), this movie follows a group of people stranded on a Massachusetts island. There, they are haunted by a woman in black. Again, it wasn’t scary. It was just bad and not even a so-bad-it’s-good bad. Just bad. Things were not explained. We didn’t understand and we didn’t care to.
The Lurking Fear (1994)
Famous horror icons Ashley Laurence and Jeffrey Combs star in this movie about a group of townspeople who join forces to eradicate a ghoul-infested graveyard. And we’ve met both Laurence and Combs. We know they are better than this. But this movie was god awful. The acting was ludicrous, but we think that’s just because the script was so bad. It took talented people and made them suck. Some people even seemed dubbed for some reason. Honestly, we turned it off.
Ice-Cream Man (1995)
In this “classic”, a man (Clint Howard – a fine actor) is released from an asylum and starts an ice-cream business blending human parts into his confections. It’s so incredibly terrible though. He kills dogs and little kids. David Naughton and Olivia Hussey are in it as well and we don’t know why they agreed to it. We also don’t know why Hussey is made to look like an old woman when she’s really so young and beautiful. And why is the skinny kid in the movie made to look fat? We didn’t understand a damn thing about why this has become a classic.
Shark Week (2012)
In this movie, a group of strangers are all playing some crazy survival game involving sharks for some crazy, wealthy madman (Patrick Bergin – you know the crazy husband from Sleeping with the Enemy). In the movie it seems like Bergin is channeling “The Most Interesting Man In the World”, but why did he even agree to do this? He deserves better. We deserve better. The effects were so sad. We turned this one off, too.
Nine Lives (2002)
Last, but not least comes this gem about a group of old friends who come to a secluded mansion for a birthday party and a book they find in the walls unleashes a vengeful spirit who possesses some of them so it can kill the others. Now, I am not picking on Paris Hilton at all. We actually enjoyed her in House of Wax. But this movie blows. There’s no Freddy Claws. The characters are annoying and whiny or crazy bananas. The movie put me to sleep. Like, I literally dozed off and missed a death scene. So, I can’t in good conscience suggest it for anyone else.
I suppose I could list my favorite movies here, but instead I'll give you a strange glimpse into what makes me TaraRomero.
1. I met George Romero. He was the kindest and sweetest man. He talked to me for longer than he should have with the line getting longer. He also held my hand. And when he noticed the ladybug I have tattooed on my wrist, he said he liked it and asked me it's name. Till then, it had not had a name. Now, I call him George.
2. I love stickers. All stickers. I just adore them. I even ask for stickers for Christmas! As a matter of fact, the birthday that just past, every member of my immediate family gave me sticker packs as gifts. Affordable and extremely appreciated.
3. I have never put much stock in astrology or horoscopes, but I LOVE the magic of the MBTI. Omg. I am an INFP and it actually sounds just like me. Introverted mostly. Creative always. Heart before head and not the most logical. Totally me! For better or worse.
4. It's no surprise I count horror so high up on the list of things that make me, me. However, it's so within my soul that I was part of the Horror Club in college. Interesting bunch. And even took a Horror Lit class as an elective. I got an A.
5. Coffee always makes me happy. Always. I'm particularly fond of caramel macchiatos. But I'll drink black coffee if it's the only thing available.
6. I hate shock for the sake of shock and endings that depress me. I always mention the movies Within (2016) and the Eli Roth produced, written and starred in, Aftershock (2012), as proof of this distate I have. I abhor the idea that just because I like horror, some people think I'd actually praise a movie that lets you think the "Final Girl" just made it through the night, only to slap her in the face with a tsunami.
7. We are big time animal people. I mean, if I could, I'd have an elephant, a bear, a zebra, a penguin, an otter and a meerkat, living with me. Seriously though. We have 2 dogs right now and 2 cats. Both cats we picked up when they each came to our front door hungry. And both dogs we got from 2 different sets of neighbors. Both who, unfortunately, don't know how to care for pets long-term. But they're happy and healthy now!!
8. Revisiting my love of horror, one of the above cats, my cat, is a little black guy named Church. Because Pet Sematary. His middle name is even Pascow. To give credit where credit's due, the name was DJ's idea. But he loves horror too!
9. I'm big into art. Along with movie posters and an Anne Frank quote, I have some actual paintings on my wall. I really think Dali paints beautifully when he wants to. And if I don't get to see Michaelangelo's Pieta in person some day, I will be very disappointed.
10. Lastly, I find Emily Dickinson's poetry intriguing. I took an elective course about her as well. But do you know I injected horror even there? I was given a poem to dissect and I picked one on death, of course. Then, I researched old "Death Photos" and even printed out copies for everyone in the class. They were so interested in looking at them that it stopped them from all looking at me, and I was able to deal quite well with my stage fright. Haha
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