Poor Jonathan Cherry gets caught up in a story about an alcoholic cop who gets turned into a werewolf. He maintains his “humanity” even when a wolf though, so he goes around being a wolfcop. Hence the title. It’s kind of like a Grindhouse movie, but the acting isn’t as good. It’s kind of more Troma than anything. Gross for gross’s sake and we don’t like humor like that. I mean, we didn’t – for example – need to see the transformation of his penis.
SCOURGE (2008)
In this movie, an ancient evil begins infecting a small town and only one flirty couple can stop it. In essence, it’s a soap opera and not a horror movie. The evil is really hungry and just burps a lot. It’s so uneven, the acting is atrocious and the writing is so poor. We actually turned this one off about halfway through. We just couldn’t take it anymore.
BLEED (2016)
An expectant couple and a group of friends go to find a burnt down prison and search for ghosts in this creepy flick where the creepy factor is the only thing it has going for it. We watched this one to the very end and were badly disappointed. See, butterflies saved one half of the couple and her bitchy brother from ghosts once when they were little and you think that’s going to have something to do with the movie later on, but then these cult people show up and they take the pregnant girl and her baby and you wonder why the butterflies didn’t save her then. It makes no damn sense. It should have stuck to one plot and ran with it.
NIGHTWISH (1990)
Written and directed by Bruce R. Cook, this movie makes no sense. We must have said “I don’t understand” to each other at least 80 times a piece. There’s no flow, no character development and no story. It made a new rule up every two minutes. Like, “Of course there isn’t any blood, he’s an alien.” How would one even know if aliens bleed like people or not? It was horrendous and unwatchable. And was that nutty ending supposed to be profound, because we were just miffed.
THE MAD MONSTER (1942)
In this classic movie, a mad scientist changes his simple-minded handyman into a werewolf because his fellow scientists believe he’s a crazy joke, which he is. Then, he takes Pedro (yes, the simple-minded handyman’s neighbor is Pedro) into the city to kill said hecklers. It’s a stupid, moral free movie. MST3K watched it once and not even they could get us to enjoy it.
THE CONVENT (2000)
Adrienne Barbeau, Coolio and Bill Moseley took the job working in this horrible film, I’m guessing for shits and giggles. The movie is about a group of college students who break into an abandoned convent forty years after this girl goes crazy and kills a priest and a bunch of nuns. Turns out that they forced her to have an abortion AND she also claims that they were devil worshipers. It was trying to be funny, but just came out obnoxious. We turned this one off, too.
I suppose I could list my favorite movies here, but instead I'll give you a strange glimpse into what makes me TaraRomero.
1. I met George Romero. He was the kindest and sweetest man. He talked to me for longer than he should have with the line getting longer. He also held my hand. And when he noticed the ladybug I have tattooed on my wrist, he said he liked it and asked me it's name. Till then, it had not had a name. Now, I call him George.
2. I love stickers. All stickers. I just adore them. I even ask for stickers for Christmas! As a matter of fact, the birthday that just past, every member of my immediate family gave me sticker packs as gifts. Affordable and extremely appreciated.
3. I have never put much stock in astrology or horoscopes, but I LOVE the magic of the MBTI. Omg. I am an INFP and it actually sounds just like me. Introverted mostly. Creative always. Heart before head and not the most logical. Totally me! For better or worse.
4. It's no surprise I count horror so high up on the list of things that make me, me. However, it's so within my soul that I was part of the Horror Club in college. Interesting bunch. And even took a Horror Lit class as an elective. I got an A.
5. Coffee always makes me happy. Always. I'm particularly fond of caramel macchiatos. But I'll drink black coffee if it's the only thing available.
6. I hate shock for the sake of shock and endings that depress me. I always mention the movies Within (2016) and the Eli Roth produced, written and starred in, Aftershock (2012), as proof of this distate I have. I abhor the idea that just because I like horror, some people think I'd actually praise a movie that lets you think the "Final Girl" just made it through the night, only to slap her in the face with a tsunami.
7. We are big time animal people. I mean, if I could, I'd have an elephant, a bear, a zebra, a penguin, an otter and a meerkat, living with me. Seriously though. We have 2 dogs right now and 2 cats. Both cats we picked up when they each came to our front door hungry. And both dogs we got from 2 different sets of neighbors. Both who, unfortunately, don't know how to care for pets long-term. But they're happy and healthy now!!
8. Revisiting my love of horror, one of the above cats, my cat, is a little black guy named Church. Because Pet Sematary. His middle name is even Pascow. To give credit where credit's due, the name was DJ's idea. But he loves horror too!
9. I'm big into art. Along with movie posters and an Anne Frank quote, I have some actual paintings on my wall. I really think Dali paints beautifully when he wants to. And if I don't get to see Michaelangelo's Pieta in person some day, I will be very disappointed.
10. Lastly, I find Emily Dickinson's poetry intriguing. I took an elective course about her as well. But do you know I injected horror even there? I was given a poem to dissect and I picked one on death, of course. Then, I researched old "Death Photos" and even printed out copies for everyone in the class. They were so interested in looking at them that it stopped them from all looking at me, and I was able to deal quite well with my stage fright. Haha
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